My Math Teacher's an Alien!
by Chloe3
Summary: Obi-Wan is scared of his math teacher, but when Qui-Gon comes to school with him to help the boy over-come his fears, he gets in way over his head in class-room of ten-year-olds! RATED G! I don't go for crude humor. :)
1. The Silliness Begins :I

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Title: My Math Teacher's an Alien!

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By: Chloe

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Rated: G (for _really_ Goofy)

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Timeline: Obi-Wan's eleven (but acts eight years younger :)

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Summery: Obi-Wan is scared of his math teacher, but when Qui-Gon comes to school with him to help the boy over-come his fears, he gets in way over his head in class-room of ten-year-olds! RATED G! I don't go for crude humor. :)

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Disclaimers: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon aren't mine, but there is no way anyone's silly enough to pay me anyways. ;)

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NOTE: Obi-Wan couldn't possibly be Qui-Gon's Padawan if he is eleven, but I don't think he could act THIS immature if he were really thirteen, so I cut his age by a few years. But I don't suppose you're reading this for an accurate account of Obi-Wan's childhood anyway, so that's okay. :)

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NOTE #second: If you have ever read my fan fiction before, you will know that my favorite thing to write is Legolas & Aragorn angst. This, therefore, is definitely NOT what I usually write, and if you're here to read it because I wrote it, you will find it is a much different style than kind I have written in the past, and might consequently not want to read it for that purpose alone.

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NOTE #second-English Version: This is straight humor, I usually write straight angst, it neither reflects on my writing style, nor has ANYTHING to do with my typical fan fiction. And, as I told my sister, Sarah, this is how I can write straight angst without falling into a state of mental depression. So, yeah. Point made, I think. :)

I hope that despite my silliness and poor writing (but hey, I wrote this three years ago ;) I hope that you get at least a few laughs out of this bit of ridiculous fiction. :)

Namarie!

~Chloe

**__**

Obi-Brat and Qui-Gone-Mad in:

"My Math Teacher's an Alien!"

Obi-Wan? Why are you staring out the window and making boo-boo looks?

My math teacher's an alien.

So?

You don't get it Qui-Gon! She's a SCARY alien!

Oh really?

yeah. She's definitely an alien, because she always gives me TONS of homework, and keeps making ME come up and draw the equations on the black board!

Obi-Wan, the universe is FULL of aliens. What makes this one different?

She's spooky alien! The kind that sit down in front of you in class and say 'We're gonna' learn some exciting math today! Math is fun!'

Obi-Wan, it sounds to me that you just don't like math. Is that true?

Well who in their right minds would?

Ahah. I see. Obi-Wan, it looks like your going to have to live with it, because you are NOT skipping math!

I- sniff- guess-sniff- so. sniff sniff

Obi-Wan!

I don't want to go to school ever again! And you won't make me!

Oh brother. Obi-Wan, you have to go to school if you're going to learn anything!

Well I'm not going to. I'll be stupid. yeah. I'd rather be stupid than go to school!

Obi-Wan, it's illegal to skip school entirely.

OK, ...........then I'll go into the bathroom and starve. Then, I won't be miserable or stupid!

Obi-Wan you can't just- Obi-Wan! You wipe that crazy grin off your face, and come back here! No! Not in the bathroom!

BANG!

Obi-Wan Kenobi, you open this door right now!

It's too late, master. I'm gonna' die! Haha! I'm gonna' die! I'm gonna' die!

Is this something to be PROUD of?

Well yeah! If I die, I won't have to go to school!

So your gonna' just stay in there.

Yep!

You'll miss out on all the food!

I know!

You'll ever get a chance to bury Flounder, your fish!

I know! May he live forever? Sniff.

He's already DEAD Obi-Wan!

Oh yeah. Well I'm STILL not coming out!

You'll miss that picnic to the park!

I know!

You'll miss that camping trip in the mountains!

I know!

You'll miss Lambchop and Barney and Mr. Rogers on TV!

..................................................................Qui-Gon?

What

Can you bring in the portable TV?

No.

But Qui-Gon!

No, no, and NO!

Waaaaaaaa!

Fine. Cry all you want!

WAAAAAAAAA!

I'm leaving. I'M going to go have breakfast!

10 minutes later...........

Qui-Gon?

Obi-Wan! I thought you were going to stay in the bathroom and starve!

Starving takes too long.

I'm glad you've come to your senses.

Actually, I'll just kill myself some other way. What's for breakfast?

Oatmeal.

Perfect! That'll kill me!

Obi-Wan, you eat it every morning, and your not dead yet!

Actually, I find it a little bit more interesting that I get tortured every mission, and I haven't died yet. Hmmmm.

So how about you eat breakfast, and go to school?

No

What do you mean no?

Lambchops is on!

So?

I can't go to school while Lambchops is on!

Obi-Wan! Get back here and eat your oatmeal!

But master!

No. Eat it

But Lambchops-

You can eat it while you watch Lambchops.

Yipee!

Oh brother.

2 hours later..............

Obi-Wan!

What?

I thought you just went to watch Lambchops!

Well I did. But then Barney, Mr. Rogers, Magic School bus, Telatubies, Big Brown Bear in the Big Blue House, and Blues Clues was on!

Great. Well at least you ate your oatmeal. Can I watch my show now?

Sure! The TV's free.

Actually, I wanted to watch Star Wars, a New Hope.

A movie?

yeah.

In the VCR?

Uh yeah Obi-Wan.

Oh. I see.

What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

....................................Obi-Wan!

yeah?

Come into the living room!

What's the matter?

What is this stuff?

Looks like brown slime. Spewing out of the VCR.

It LOOKS like your oatmeal, Obi-Wan.

..............................Why so it does! Haha! That's funny! Well, I'll just go and umm do something uh...........else.

Obi-Wan? Is that you oatmeal?

I ummmmmmm. Yes! That's my oatmeal! And, that Bazooka Gum on your nice suit? That's my gum! And that marker mustache' on your signed Liam Neason Poster? That's my fault too! And the story that I was doing homework and FORGOT about school? Lies! All lies! I slipped out the window and took a transport to McDonalds. And were you wondering what happened to your Republic Credit Card?

You didn't!

Two whoppers, twelve milkshakes, thirteen big fries, twenty-four cokes, and five hours at the arcade.

Obi-Wan!

I know. I'm a failure. I'm a terrible horrible person. Sooooooo................you can kill me now.

Obi-Wan, you've done wrong, but that doesn't mean that........................Ooooooooh NO YOU DON'T!

WHAT?!

You're not getting out of school that easy!

But I deserve to die!

Yes, but I think you deserve to be sent to school more!

But MASTER!

No! You are going to school!

But I deserve to--

Yes you deserve to die. Go to school.

All right. FINE! Like I don't get enough Obi-torture as it is!

Whatever. Now go get your stuff, and I'll pack your lunch.

*****

15 minutes later..............

Obi-Wan?

yeah?

You've been in your bedroom for 15 minutes.

yeah

Your lunch is ready.

Oh?

Yes. Are you coming out?

No.

Why not?

..........................I'M SICK!

No your not!

How can you tell? You can't see me! If you could see me, you'd see that I'm green and yellow and pink.

I don't believe you.

Then come in and see!

Obi-Wan!

yeah?

Are those your magic markers?

No! I tell you, I'm sick!

If your sick, than I'm your math teacher.

AAAAAAAAAAA!

Obi-Wan, sit up, and take your covers off your head.

No!

Now!

Fine! But I'm sick!'

No your not.

Look at the marks!

Magic markers

No! I'm sick!

Then why do you suddenly smell like mint, lemon, and strawberry.

Conscience!

I don't think so.

Feel don't think! Use your instincts!

Fine. My instincts tell me that you couldn't of gotten sick in 15 minutes.

...............................Maybe your instincts are rusty.

Obi-Wan?

what?

Get OUT of bed, and GO to school!

Oh. All right.

Obi-Wan?

What?

Why are you in your.........get dressed!

But PJs are more comfortable!

Obi-Wan, take those ridiculous speeder PJs off, and get dressed.

Fine. But I'm sick.

Whatever.

5 minutes later...............

I'm ready for school!

Great. Here's your lunch.

OK.

Obi-Wan, what are you doing?

I'm making sure that your not giving me anything poisonous.

I'd think you'd WANT me to kill you.

Well yeah, but if I'm going to be poisoned, I'd rather it be TASTY poison! You know, not slime flavored poison.

Peanut Butter and Jelly is not slimy.

Your right, it's just gross!

Just eat it, or starve.

Well, at least I'll starve knowing that I did so to keep form eating Peanut Butter and Jelly.

How touching. Go to school.

You have to drive me there.

What? I do not!

Do to! I can't walk there, it's too far!

Take the bus. Don't grin at me like that.

Hahah! It's two hours and 42 minutes past when the bus came!

10 minutes later...........

Thanks for taking me to school Qui-Gon!

Don't mention it.

You know, there's now only a 10% chance I'll be kidnapped on my way to school!

Wow.

And there's only a 30% chance that I'll get hit by a car!

Oh boy.

And seeing how late my spelling teacher usually is, there's a 50% chance that I won't be late for school!

Goody.

And there's a 70% percent chance that the speeder will make a nice easy ride to the school, unlike the bus which brakes down every 5 minutes.

Gee.

But there's a 90% chance that I will catch pneumonia if you don't turn the heat

It's already 90 degrees

yeah but, I'm still cold!

Oh.

..................And there's a 100% percent chance that I'll die of boredom if you keep talking in mono-syllables!

Okay. Fine. Obi-Wan, if you keep acting like a brat, I'm going to take you to school and tell everyone in your class that you're a dunce! A total dunce who spends his master's money on silly things like McDonalds food and arcade games! Then, when I come to take you home, I'll pile math homework on you until your dead! Graveyard dead! So stop complaining, get your act together, and most of all, SHUT UP!

.......................................................Do you usually have this much trouble with constructive criticism?

Look. It's my way or the highway!

Meaning.......

Okay, let's put it this way. Here with me, or in the street!

Huh?

Okay. Fine. How about this. My will, or road kill! Get it?

Got it!

Good.

15 minutes later................

Ahhhhhhhh. At last, Obi-Wan is at school, and I can get my stuff done.

RRRRRRRIIIIIINGGGG!!

I wonder who that is.

click!

Hello?................................Yes.........................why?.....................................He did what?!


	2. And the Silliness Continues :D

10 minutes later...............

Thank you for coming Mr. Jinn, please sit down.

Is there something wrong principle Bryon?

Well, you know your foster son Obi-Wan?

Well he's actually not my.........................yes.

Well, he had some trouble in class today.

Creak!

Obi-Wan!

Oh! Hi Qui-Gon! How are you?

Eeerrrg. don't ask.

OK! So principle Bryon! Why's my dad here?

I was just about to tell him what happened in school today.

Oh I see. Well Qui-Gon, I just want you to know that it was REALLY Dave's fault!

I see. You didn't have anything to do with it?

I uhhhhhhhh.................he started it.

Right. So what happened Principle?

10 minutes later...................

Obi-Wan!

Thanks for driving me home Qui-Gon! It makes being sent home from school seem less lonely!

Obi-Wan! Explain!

hehe well I ummmmmmm.......

yeah?

I uuuuuu.................sorry?

BEAP! Wrong! 'Sorry' doesn't cut it!

I was scared!

She's your math teacher!

I was sure she was an alien!

She was just trying to give you your homework!

No, no, no. She said, and I quote, 'So now I can shove some more homework down your throat.'

Obi-Wan, she was being funny.

It was NOT funny!

Well she didn't know that you had no sense of humor!

I found that love letter you wrote to Adi Gallia hilarious!

That WHAT?!

The love letter! You know, that letter about how you dream of her most every day and all that?

I was explaining a nightmare that I had that had her in it. I'd had three days in a row, and I thought she'd 

find it funny!

So YOU have no sense of humor!

I do to!

No you don't!

Yes I DO!

Don't

Do

Don't!

Do!

Don't! Let's play a game!

Huh?

A game! I'll say a word, then you say something that rhymes or has to do with the word!

What?

Or you say it.

Say what?

Rut.

Huh?

Question.

Obi-Wan, not now.

Cow! come on! PLAY!

How?

Good job!

Obi-Wan!

School

Fool.

Math

Lets see..................Obi-Wan! You're trying to take me off the subject!

It worked!

No it didn't! Now explain yourself!

Well I'm a eleven-year-old Padawan, I'm very handsome, and my master's always giving me too much homework, and-

Explain what happened!

Oh..........well, she tried to shove my homework down my throat so I....................bit her on the nose. I really didn't mean to hurt her feelings!

What about her nose?

Well I figured she wouldn't mind.

Obi-Wan!

Well it WAS Dave's fault!

How do you mean?

It was his idea! To freak her out, I mean.

But YOU bit her on the nose!

yeah! See what terrible influence my classmates make on me? School is dangerous!

Obi-Wan, what am I going to do with you?

Take me to McDonalds sounds like a good idea!

Do you really think you deserve that?

Well--

Never mind, don't answer. I don't want to know.

..........................................so where are we going?

Home.

What are we going to do?

Nothing.

Oh goody! Can we watch TV and eat popcorn and chips and drink soda?

What?! You honestly think I'm going to treat you when you BIT your teacher?!

Only her nose!

That's NOT the point.

What is the point?

The point is, you're not permitted to have ANY fun, until you finish your homework, and promise to apologize to your teacher.

WHAT?! Apologize?!

Yes.

I'm too scared! I can't do that!

I'll go with you to make sure that you do.

But my friends will make fun of me!

Too bad.

*****

10 minutes later...................

I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I WON'T!

Yes you will!

But the humiliation!

Obi-Wan, I'm going with you, and I'll keep going with you, until you decide to apologize!

.....................................all right. I'll do it. But under protest. And I'll get even! You hear me? EVEN!

Fine. Do you want lunch?

Sure.............Can I make a new one?'

I told you, you're eating that peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

But on the way home from school, I SAT on it!

.......oh. Well, I guess so.

Yippee-

But no SODA, CHIPS OR PRESTELS!

Ohhhhhhhh! Your no fun.

Nope.

Later that evening................

Qui-Gon, I'm going to bed.

Good idea. If I have to watch one more episode of Squeaky the Space Rat, I'm gonna' be sick.

yeah, and I have to practice what I'm gonna' do tomorrow.

What are you gonna' do?

Oh, uuuuuuuuuuuuuu.......................apologize to my teacher, of coarse!

Uhuh. OK, goodnight.

Goodnight!

Next morning.................

Obi-Wan? Are you ready to go?

Yep! 

OK, lets go get in the speeder.

Later on at school...........................

Okay, Obi-Wan, I'm going to sit in the desk next to you, so I can make sure that you go and apologize, but also that you behave.

Okay.

All right class! Our lesson today

See Qui-Gon? I told you Miss Rigna was an alien!

Obi-Wan, you DIDN'T tell me she was a Twilek!

Does that matter?

well it does when--

Excuse me. Mr. Jinn, correct?

yes?

I don't allow whispering in my class.

Oh, sorry.

That's quite all right. But remember, you got permission to sit in on the class so long as you are part of it. So I would also like you to get out your paper, and start writing.

I never said I was going to be part of your class, I only wanted to watch my pada- I mean my son.

Well, we sent you a letter saying that you would have to be part of the class if you were going to come, and you promptly sent it back with your signature saying that that would be fine. So, you have agreed to it. Now please get out your paper, and write down these equations.

Fine.

I will not have bad attitudes in my class. What do you say?

All right.

Such disrespect! What do you say to a teacher? Honestly! You're an adult! Surly you could set a good example!

Yes.................ma'am.

Very good. A little louder please.

Yes ma'am.

Thank you. Now, if you turn to page 236 in your math books......

Obi-Wan, I'm going to kill you.

Why?

Because YOU signed my name on that letter!

What? Do you think I would do that?

Yes.

I'm hurt.

Really.

yeah. Maybe I should rush me to the school nurse. Ya think?

No. I think that you should--

Mr. Jinn?

Yes ma'am?

Perhaps YOU would like to answer the equation.

Well I wasn't-

Listening?

NO! I was listening.

Good. So come up and finish the equation.

Good luck dad!

Shut up Obi-Wan!

What was that?

Nothing ma'am.

Oh good. So what do we do first?

Well you...........you add the...............and umm multiply...no divide by....the....umm.........

Mr. Jinn?

Yes?

I would like you to sit through recess, until you write the entire A B and C of the Encyclopedia.

But--

Sit down Mr. Jinn.

Yes ma'am.

An hour and a half later...............

Class dismissed. And don't forget tomorrow's assignment! Oh Mr. Jinn?

Yes?

Please sit down and start writing.

But--

All right Mr. Jinn?

all right but-

Good! Now here's the Encyclopedia.

Yes ma'am.

Bye dad.

Obi-Wan, you squirt, come here!

AAAAAAHHH! He's trying to kill me!

Mr. Jinn!

It's his fault I'm in this mess!

It's your own fault Mr. Jinn. I expected better behavior from someone as old as you. How old? 80? 90?

I'm only 60 you Creaton!

Mr. Jinn!

I never agreed to be in your crumby class!

Well, then you don't have to ever come back. You may go to class Obi-Wan dear.

Thank you teacher. Yipee!

I hate that snot.

You mean your son?

Yes. 'Obi-Wan dear' I believe he's called?

He's a sweet little boy.

A what?!

Mr. Jinn, just write.

Eeerrgg!

Five hours later.....................

I finished

Very good. You may go home now.

Thanks.

Later at home.................

Obi-Wan!!!!!!!!!!!!

what?

WHAT? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT! I SPENT MY WHOLE DAY COPPYING BECAUSE OF YOU!

Oh that. Yes well, I told her I was sorry. Even in your absence.

OH! GEE! That makes it AAAAALLLLLLLLL better! 

Whew! That's good!

I'm taking a nap!

Good idea.

And YOU are going to your room!

Rats.

At dinner.............

Qui-Gon?

What.

I even got to know my teacher. I asked her things about what she liked and didn't like. It was cool!

Oh.

I also got her help on the project for tomorrow. I did some research on it!

Fun.

Yeah. Well, goodnight!

Goodnight.

See ya bright and early!

Right.

Next morning...........................

Qui-Gon!

What?

Aren't you going to get up?

Why?

To eat breakfast, get dressed, grab your bag, make my lunch, and things like that!

Oh. Wait. Do what?

At breakfast.................

Qui-Gon, you should really get dressed.

Why?

So we can go!

Go where?

To school!

Take the bus.

But you have to go.

Why?- I am NOT going to your school!

Because I'm taking you for show and tell!

WHAT?!

In the speeder on the way to school...................

Did you get your bag?

Yes

Oh good. I have some stuff in there that might help with talking about you.

Joy.

I have all sorts of ideas about what I'll say about--

Tell me one thing. I'm not PART of this class this time, am I?

Just part of the assignment.

Good.

At school...........................

This is a hologram of what I brought to show and tell.

Amy!

Yes teacher?

That's a RONTO!

Yes! His name is Rupert. He's waiting outside. Shall I bring him in?

No! Dear, can't you tell us about Rupert's hologram instead of the real thing?

Well, I think that I'll just choose something else.

all right. Thank you. Now, lets see. Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Yes ma'am?

Would you like to go next?

Sure!

all right.

This is my Mas- father, Qui-Gon Jinn.

Oh yes! Welcome back Mr. Jinn.

Hello.

Where's that bag- ah! here it is! In this bag, are some things of his. First, this is his favorite stuffed animal, Fluff the purple dragon!

Obi-Wan!

It's okay Dad. I understand. And THESE are his favorite stripped PJs. Notice the brown stain down the front? That's from the chocolate he eats late at night. And this is his favorite storybook. 'Goldilocks and the Three Banthas!' And this- oh this is cute! This is a letter he wrote to Master Adi Gallia, but never had the heart to send. 'Dear Adi, Every time I think of your beautiful face, I just want to throw up with love. The thought of you is almost sickening, it's so beautiful. Sometimes I just wish I could go and just feast my eyes on the roast beef of your face. I'm glad you're in my life. If I couldn't see you every day , I might explode, or just get a really bad head cold. I love you my darling lemon drop! Your sweetie pie, Qui-Gon Jinn' 

Pause 

Obi-Wan

I think I can see WHY my Dad didn't want to send this to! Not very poetic. And last but not least-

Obi-Wan

Not now Dad, I'm almost done. His diary! Let's see. How about entry #243 'Dear diary, Sometimes Obi-Wan gets on my nerves. I wish I could chuck him over a bridge and..........................GROSS! OK, how about entry #254 'Dear diary, Obi-Wan's a royal pain today he......................ummm entry #345 'Dear diary, I am ready to kill Obi-Wan! He...................Entry #356 'Dear diary, Obi-Wan's the worst little snot I ever.................That's all I have teacher. Thank you.

Uuuh yes. Thank you Obi-Wan, and Mr. Jinn. You may sit down.

Later at home......................

Obi-Wan!!!!!!!!!

What now?

How COULD you?!

Rats. I was hoping that since you didn't say anything on the way home, you'd given up yelling at me.

I was so fuming that I was afraid that if I started yelling the speeder would catch on fire.

Really? Aww. I would've liked to see that.

That's not the point! How could you humiliate me like that?!

Well, I thought you might want to know what your dear old son went through every school morning.

Well I wasn't!

Here. Why don't you just sit down, and read the Daily Jedi. I'll make you some tea.

Huh?

I'm trying to be nice! It's the least I can do.

I guess so. Very well then, thank you.

No problem!

Hmm. I wonder if there's anything in the Daily Jedi's personal adds.............hmm 'I am a handsome older man with a beautiful house and a large income. I need a women who likes her job, and loves kids. I prefer a beautiful alien. ' hmmmmm. Obi-Wan?

Yeah?

Did you see the personal adds?

Yeah! Wasn't that funny with the lady who wanted a guy who loved meat loaf 'cause that's all she could cook? It was hilarious! Or the guy who turned out to be someone trying to sell his bantha through the-

I was looking at this guy.

Oh yeah. He sounds fun-loving, but what do you care?

Nothing. Thanks for the tea.

My pleasure! Can I stay up late?

Why?

I ummm want to finish my homework.

Oh. Well okay.

RRRIIIIINNNNNGGGG!

I'll get it!

Thanks Obi-Wan.

Hello?...........He's busy...............I'm sure!................I'll fax it to you..............okay.............sure!..........all right.....bye!

Who was that?

A friend. Can I use your fax machine?

Sure.

Thanks.

Later that evening.....................

Ding dong!

Obi-Wan? Who's at the door?

I'll get it!............hello? Yes! Come on in!

Obi-Wan? Who- Miss Rigna?!

Mr. Jinn! I read an add in the personal articles and- I called and someone faxed me your address- they said it was all right to-

That's quite al- Dad? Why are you staring at ME? It's not MY fault you put your personal article in there.

Well, I could go.

No stay! Dad's just nervous. Aren't you Dad?

Obi-Wan-

I think you two should go out to dinner! Ya! I'll watch the house, and you two can just go out. That sounds good! Here's your coat, Dad, and your already ready to go Miss Rigna, so go on out! Yes goodbye!

Bang!

Later that night..................

Qui-Gon! Your back! Did you have fun?

NO!!!!

oh. what happened?

WE SPENT THE WHOLE TIME IN A VERBAL CROSSFIRE!

I see.

Ya! Really! Oh good! Which MEANS, that since you understand, you'll understand why I'm going to KILL YOU!

Wait! Qui-Gon! Please! I can explain! I promise to be good! I promise to go to school! I won't play pranks on you! I'll be good! I WILL!

.................all right. Then you can START, by going to bed.

Yes sir!

Next morning.......................

thumpthumpthump

Obi-Wan?

What

It's time to get up and eat your oatmeal. You need to go to school.

.....................I'M SICK!

NO YOUR NOT! Now get up, and get ready for school!

Fine! But I'll get even, I tell you. EVEN!

fine- OH NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!!!

THE END :D

__

Yeah, I'm weird. But we all have a bit of that in us, don't we? ;)

Hope you liked it despite it's slight eh…peculiarity. :D

Namarie!

~Chloe


End file.
